21 | Type 1 Diabetic | Non Binary | They/Them | Androsexual | INTJ | Virgo
When I say you’re my world, I mean it. The gleam of light in your eyes. The immediate sense of comfort. The feeling of being home. I would do anything for you. The best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you to the moon and back.
It kills me having to help my mom keep up with her daughter.
She got to walk in a New York Fashion Week show last night. An incredible opportunity that very much fits her personality and interests. And in one picture in particular, of her before the show, the smile on her face just radiates happiness and excitement and I just knew that she was in her element, truly enjoying her life in that moment. And then I long press on the picture and save it to my phone, so I can send it to my mom who otherwise wouldn’t get to see it. To see her daughter happy and doing something she loves.
It kills me that none of us can have a normal relationship…
I just wanted a normal family. People who love each other and are always there for each other. Somewhere to feel safe and comfortable.
But I never had a shot at that. That opportunity was yanked out from under me while I was still too young to understand what was going on.
And now as an adult, everything just feels toxic. I’m unable to visit my parents at their home, because the closer I get to that house, I increasingly begin to feel like the scared, suicidal, self-loathing 16 year old I used to be there.
My oldest sister has excommunicated everyone in the family but me (and also lives across the country from everyone now).
My second sister has never heard me say I’m gay, and I’m convinced that when she does either her or her religious/conservative husband will no longe allow me see my niece and nephew.
My dad has never made an effort to understand or accept me. And it honestly broke our relationship. And all I can do is blame myself for not being able to bond with my dad. For embarrassing him. Letting him down…
My mom… she doesn’t deserve any of this. She’s the only one that seems to be trying, but is probably treated the worst. My oldest sister’s blame for cutting everyone off largely rests on my mom and I know she feels true remorse for the damaged relationship with her oldest daughter. She loves all three of us like only a mother could, despite the drastic differences in beliefs, culture, interests, etc. She has made serious effort in maintaining a relationship with me despite my sexuality. She’s tried to understand where I’m coming from. And she gets repaid by being cut off from her oldest and her three kids. And a son who never visits because it’s too painful to go home.
How do you talk to someone who shuts down any time you try. To someone who refuses to accept responsibility for their own actions while simultaneously vilifying you for yours.
I almost completely stopped using tumblr for about 2 years now. Ironically I’m using it more frequently now, now that it’s about to die…
But I’m also finding that my use of tumblr was/is also connected to my poor mental health. This is the best/most private outlet that I have for the shit I’m going through.
I don’t know what to do. I’m so lost. I’m so alone. Everything I’ve known for the past three years feels like a lie. Like I wasted so much time. And I want to believe that none of it mattered. It would be so much easier if it didn’t matter. But I loved you so fucking much. I still do. I would do absolutely anything for you. I would go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. And it’s all gone. Just like that.
And it’s all my fault. I fucked up. I am a fuck up. I just feel worthless. I never wanted to end up where I am now, but I don’t know where to go or how to get out. I’ve failed. I’m so alone.
I think we really need to reaffirm now that no amount of homophobia can be acceptable in our culture. There is no such this as harmless or victimless homophobia. All homophobia contributes to violence against us. You can not “disagree” with lgbt people’s “lifestyles” without supporting the rhetoric and legislation that puts us in very real danger.
Homophobia isn’t that black and white though. You can hate the sin and still love the sinner.
OK, as a queer person who grew up in a genuinely loving, caring, utterly wonderful, and still deeply homophobic Church, let me try to fill in what you’re not understanding about this whole “Love the sinner” deal.
When we refer to people like you as “Homophobic” I want to be clear what we’re saying here. This is not a judgment of your intent. We are not describing you as a hateful person, as an aggressive or violent person. But we are saying that your actions and your attitudes participate in and reinforce a system of rhetoric that encourages violence against LGBT people, and, far, far more importantly, that forces millions of LGBT people to live in shame.
That’s really what this comes down to. Not hate. Not violence. Shame.
Consider the point purely theologically. Jesus tells us that to desire a sinful thing is as bad as to act on that desire. My lusting after another mans wife is as bad as actually sleeping with her. My genuine desire to hurt someone is as bad as actually hurting them.
So when you tell me that loving another man is a sin, you’re not just talking about physical acts of intimacy. You don’t get to draw the line there. You don’t get to pretend that I can be bisexual so long as I never actually physically act on it (which is already a terrible burden to place on someone). You’re saying that every time I look at a guy and imagine how soft his lips would be, or think about how beautiful his eyes are, I am sinning. I am a sinner every time a dude walks past me with a tight sweater on that shows of his arms. Every time he has nice hair or a nice smile.
My love, according to you, is a sin. That is the burden you are forcing people to live under. That burden forced me so deep into the closet that I didn’t even know I was there. It forced me to repress every genuine feeling of sexual attraction for other men, and to live for years with those feelings straining to get out, whilst I struggled with the constant guilt and shame that came from having those thoughts.
And I am one of the lucky ones, because I’m alive to have this conversation. Because for many, many LGBT people that guilt and shame manifests as self-harm, substance abuse, low esteem that leads them into abusive relationships, and very often suicide.
You tell yourself that you’re one of the good ones because you don’t hate us. You only hate what we “do”. But what we “do” is living. It’s being alive and whole and a part of this world, and if you genuinely believe that we can’t have that then you might as well put the gun to our heads and pull the trigger. Because you’re already doing that, you just don’t have the guts to admit it.
